I shouldn't feel this way

My alarm goes off and in what feels like seconds, anxiety kicks in. It doesn’t feel good. Something feels really wrong. Something must be wrong with me. 

I wish I didn’t feel this way. 

I turn off my alarm and run through the day’s events and tasks. I get up, begin my morning routine and then... my beautiful son Toby wakes up, (not at the time I was planning for I might add ;)). “Oh great, my morning is going to be completely off track, I won’t be able to do what I had planned.” 

My anxiety worsens.

Toby’s adorable face greets me as I open the door to his room. I pick him up - his nose is running wild, he is coughing in my mouth and he doesn’t want his bum changed. I haven’t finished getting ready, my lunch isn’t made and I am scared I will be late for work. My anxiety is growing and I am noticing my mood is changing. It’s not even 7am and I find myself wanting to throw in the towel because I hate feeling this way.

This is a snapshot of a possible morning spent in my incredible brain. Upon reflection of these types of mornings, I realize that I have spent a lot of my adult life wishing I was different. Wishing I could feel better… feel happier… feel more in control of my emotions. I truly believed that if I could get rid of my anxiety then I would have found the answer. 

Here’s the thing: I have found the answer, for me, and to my surprise, it’s not what I expected. 

Anxiety, like all emotions, is a vibration in my body. When I pause and experience that vibration it is…

tightness in my chest

warmth in my face

tingling and buzzing in my arms and legs

And what feels like a hollow, empty tummy…

that’s it.

That’s not that big of a deal. I can totally handle that. 

What causes the pain for me is what I am making that vibration mean. 

When I am compassionate, open, and curious with myself, I notice these vibrations in my body and realize that the reason I am feeling anxious is because of what I am thinking…

I can’t do this. 

It’s too hard. 

There is too much to do. 

I hate feeling this way.

Something is wrong with me. 

I am behind schedule. 

I am not good enough. 

I don’t have enough time. 

I shouldn’t feel this way. 

I don’t know how.

Of course I am feeling anxious - look at what I am thinking. 

Get this - I thought that anxiety happened to me, it simply occured and I had no control over it. I now know and have personally experienced the revelation that my thoughts are what cause my anxiety and all of my emotions and my THOUGHTS, like ALL thoughts, are a CHOICE. Who knew?

A new thought I have been practising is:

I am experiencing anxiety and that is okay. I am okay. I am bringing you along with me anxiety, instead of resisting and pushing you away. 

What happens when I think this thought?

Instead of feeling powerless, I take my life into my own hands by thinking on purpose in order to feel and experience life the way I want.